yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You ruined the universe
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
