All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
