when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
