If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
