I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
