Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
