my mouth tastes like poor choices
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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