Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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