They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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