how do flat chested girls get laid?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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