She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You are a genius and a whore.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
