She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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