I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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