I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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