you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
