so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
