I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
