Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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