I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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