i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
