I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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