someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
