I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
