How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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