I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
