i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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