LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
