I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
