I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
