i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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