i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
