why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
