You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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