so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize