I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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