you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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