I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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