I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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