she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
