my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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