I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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