I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
