My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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