no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
