I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
