Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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