She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
