think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
