If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
