No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
vagina is talking i cant
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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