bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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