I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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