she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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