You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
