The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize