Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
