I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
